the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Randomize
