her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
