My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
