I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
