last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Randomize
