Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
