wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
