it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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