From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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