I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
