i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
MIDGETS
????
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
