Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Randomize
