Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
