Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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