i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
