Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
