Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
