In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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