oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Randomize
