Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
