i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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