I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
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