I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
