hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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