need another drink. this is the easiest way
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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