I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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