I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
My ass is underappreciated
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
