Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
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Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
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We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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