Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
