3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I will pee on everything he values.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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