I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
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She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
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Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
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