she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
And then he peed in my hair
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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