I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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