he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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