I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Randomize
