mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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