I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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