my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
