24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
