i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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