and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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