You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
