i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
