I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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