Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
