She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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