Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
