Umm I'm too high to move.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
