Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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