apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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