Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
