That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
