Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Rumble strips road head = magical
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
