were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
