Don't make out with my wife yet
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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