Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
