They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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