I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
