I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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