I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
this just has baby written all over it
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
