I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
