he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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