Kiss
Puke
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
