Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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