I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
