She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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